About me, I went to college on a basketball scholarship but didnt graduate due to knee injury. In fact, some say life is all about suffering. I know of a mum here who can relate well with your story though Ive seen her in pains. Kevin, THANK YOU so much for all of these kind words! My son and I have never been closer, and Im thankful each day for the relationship we now have. I still loved you then as much as the day you were born. But every now and then hell inform me, Hey, Ma, I was reading your blog last night! . I hope you and your children will be and remain close. and i agree with the rest of the group you should definitely start the book. I understood. Im a new dad so I can feel the emotions in the letter. But when you sit down to write, a blank page tauntingly stares back at you. I didnt want to miss anything. Thanks, too, for commenting on my guest post on Adrienne Smiths blog. We may fight and argue, but my love is unconditional. It has been 10 months since that final day. You had fun matching them. Together, we can move mountains, and this is no exception. Do you realize I was assigned to the Technical Writer/Editor Department at the consulting firm? Invite him and his wife over for dinner. It may feel like youre Scrooge McDuck when you get your first real job. Good luck to you and thanks for your comment. Very touching Lorraine.Your words clearly show how much you love your son. Im so glad you chose the latter. Give them to your kids later on. Before completing my final few college classes I accepted an offer to work for a Training and Consulting firm. It was a shock to find out that I am a grandmother, and even more of a shock when I saw a photo of your beautiful child, who bears such a strong resemblance to [relative]. It may feel like you're Scrooge McDuck when you get your first "real" job. Because I have eating and weight issues, and have had them all my life, I never wanted you to gain an extra ounce. You say you dont remember that incident, but I do. I struggled along the way and showed my temper at times and was inexperienced and ill equiped for motherhood. My sons mother and his girlfriend, not knowing my recovery time, noticed my change and told my son that I was crazy, a moron, a doper, and would never be normal again. I am pleased for you and I am proud of you whether you want that or not. Youre correct legally and morally, but I feel it would cause more disquiet with my son. He is 21 now and at college in Lubbock. When they left home I was devastated and had to learn that I could live my life, still with them as my boys, but in a different way. Feel free to use them any way youd like. We may fight and argue, but my love is unconditional. But now that youve graduated, the world is your oyster, and with your smarts, work ethic, and generous spirit, I know youll land somewhere wonderful doing admirable things. Im sorry. Now that you have some idea of how to proceed, the following example letter to a disrespectful son can help you put your thoughts into words. I bet you have a ton of stories to tell that are interesting and captivating, even if you think they arent. I want to rip up the pages of the past and rewrite them. Saying goodbye to someone who has played a significant role in your life is never easy. Stay true to yourself, respect other people, and let compassion and hard work be your guides. I agree with you completely. But remember, even if you didnt achieve great professional and financial heights, Id still think youre marvelous because youre a good person on the inside. I tried to be the best single mother I could be to you, my only child. Im not sure I mentioned that in this post; I think Ill update it, just in case. This entry was posted in Latest Posts, What Parents Can Do and tagged coping with an adult child's estrangement, mothers of estranged adults, parents of estranged adult children, writing letters to estranged adult children on January 12, 2015 by rparents. 3. This is the way I raised my son, some have different beliefs but my son never acted up. I do not believe in physical discipline not even an arm grab, it belittles the child. You will definitely not regret reading it. Thank you Lorraine. I hugged you and kissed you at least three times a day, every day. Thats one thing Ive learned: What you find boring, others find fascinating!!! It . As you grew, you graduated to facecloths, underwear, and towels. Hes a really neat person and even irons his clothes. Are you in need of some cash? Your mere presence in my life makes it beautiful. Dont lead women on. You formed opinions of your own. I just wanted you to know that Im always wishing the best for you and wishing things could have been different. A Letter To My Son Dear Julian, I may not have been a perfect mom, but I tried to be. My vision cruelly morphs the most unlikely strangers in to your shape. All of the anger, which has been building up in you since you were 17 what is that fullyabout? I miss you every 20 minutes until it makes me feel sick. Write your child a letter if you are unable to talk. Any one thing is a mixture of other things, break it down, there is yet even more things in that thing; you have to keep doing this until literally you have only microscopic little things that are still more than one thing. I love it when mine does! You have loved me, taken care of me, and always protected me like a shield. Youre an incredible human being, and I know youll be a wonderful husband and father. I highly recommend this book. Stop being so hard on yourself! 13 Signs The Relationship Is Over For Him, 109 Best Appreciation Messages To Show Gratitude, The Ultimate Love List: 365 Reasons Why I Love You, 11 Effective Exercises For Letting Go Of Resentment, Letter to Your Daughter: 13 Heartfelt Sentiments to Consider, 13 Best Ways To Deal With A Disrespectful Grown Child, 147 Powerful Morning Affirmations To Start Your Day. Before I send this letter please allow me to ask a few questions. It may invite more. When there is such a bond and love we dont look at it as failure but just a stage we went through. Original reporting and incisive analysis, direct from the Guardian every morning, 2023 Guardian News & Media Limited or its affiliated companies. I just want you, Mom, was your response. Through the author, the reader gets to know her family, and is able to identify with them as memories are related and glimpses into the authors personal struggles are revealed. You had a pixie-like presence, full of curiosity, wonder and joy. It takes enormous strength and fortitude to follow through with this. Im very grateful for that. I avoid any conversation about you; I cant stand questions about how you are doing. Its always the children that are left with questions. My son also lives with his dad. Even though I reveled in being a parent, I fell short, didnt I? Thanks! Its a release for me. Im so sorry. I stopped being so smart in your eyes and slowly started to become someone on the outside looking in. Read my lack of responsibility before you deliver an answer. Youve been an inspiration to me, and I honestly dont think Ive ever been moved to tears by any other author ever. 11 Outcomes You Can Expect, 13 Conspicuous Clues That A Woman Has Multiple Partners, 51 Funny Hinge Prompt Answers That Are Sure To Grab Their Attention. Moreover, I now realize I wasnt 100% right. I kept you safe. Do you send care packages to your son? Im not perfect, but I love you. The wound is gaping and it is tender. As long as they attribute troublesome behavior to your personality rather than circumstances, your . I was 18 and in pain, physically, when you were forced into this world. I'm finally grieving. I never thought that Id feel so much, be passionate about so much, or be so prone to sobbing. I wonder if their eyes will become moist or if this post will elicit emotions in them. , As a guy, do you do a lot of reading or writing? thanks again and merry christmas to both of you, max, Thanks for your comments, Max; I appreciate your kind words. My son left to do University in 2013, we supported him, after 30k out of pocket he dropped out. Dont be so hard on yourself. Its devastating that we already must deal with such toxic, cruel obstacles. There are few things in this world more important, and sometimes more complicated, than the relationship between a parent and a child. I felt a sense of pride, though, after we were done, because I had empowered him with knowledge so that he could solve his own sewing problems in the future. But alas, nobody promised anybody an easy existence. I had such hope for you, our family, and the future. Thank you for listening. This is the nature of things. I have looked up estrangement on the internet and all I can find are examples of forced marriage or violent alcoholic parents, or similar. I promise youre not. I think the letter was what moved me the most because it showed us your feelings for him all through the years, right from the time he was young to the present day very well written indeed , Thanks for sharing. It is an age thing (and a boy thing). Yes, we have our differences, but youre still my son no matter what. You were my boy, my precious, baby boy. Don't overspend in your 20s. You were always so active and wiggly. I miss you every 20 minutes until it makes me feelsick. Ahthat letter surely touched my heart and I could feel all that you must have felt those years you were away from your son. I used to believe that we were close; I always loved being your mother. Send her my love and give her a hug from me! I wrote down the lyrics, and eventually put it to music. Deborah, Im SOOOO happy for you! I used to sent him text everyday and tell him I was praying for him and that I loved him but the last 3 months he block me . Do you know that you mean the world to me? You did it! . Hes left home and gone to university, so when he comes home with piles of washing its only natural for me to slot into my maternal role again. 14. You truly have a gift, and I meant each and every word. Congratulations on your high school graduation. During those early, exhausting days, our family bond began. I wasnt accustomed to being a loser but after my accident I was one. And teach forgiveness. Proving that Im sorry will take time. I Will Never Forgetwill touch you in ways you cannot imagine or fathom. I hope you find everything youre looking for and are happy. Of course, I knew you were capable because youve always accomplished everything to which youve set your mind but there were times I thought you would give up. Police would have to pick me up and take me home. My Darling Girl, When you were a baby, you were like a little elf. Do you like helping others? But your latest accomplishment makes me sit back in awe. It feels impossible! Dont dump friends because they dont appear to be making it. A lot of second-rate self-help authors advise ridding yourself of people who arent at your level. Thats a bunch of hogwash. Its great to feel needed and wanted, especially after all of the rough patches we have been through. Once you became an adult, I knew I was powerless to prevent you from distancing yourself from me. My son was always encouraged to read and write but is not the bookworm that I am! Let him know you are unhappy with his decision, but will love him regardless of what he decides to do. Thats one thing I love about the digital world. Even though I was married to their father during most of their young lives he was quite absent, both physically, due to his job, and worse, emotionally, due to his problems. Im sure your bond with all of your children is strong, especially your daughter, whom I know you have but didnt mention here. I forgave you and admired you for exerting some of your independence. stone after it's thrown, the word after it's spoken, the occasion after it's missed, and the time after. I spend months in-and-out of the hospital trying to regain normal physical and mental functions, my recovery time would be four to five years. Yet as you, I was the one who tucked him in at night, tried to teach him right from wrong and loved him beyond words. I have so few regrets because out of it all came you, my son. Oh, God, Ive no idea what I will do if THAT happens. I didnt think my younger son needed me much until he went through his awful break up with his girlfriend in September and boy, did he need me then! I like the parts of your letter, where you remember the little things and how important they were then and now. I do have nieces and nephews though and a step-son I only reconnected with about three years ago now. You do it faithfully, too, and Im so proud. Ultimately, the way Ive behaved is inexcusable. Alas, your wedding day has arrived, and I wanted to take a private moment to congratulate you. If youre sincere and loving, you have nothing to worry about. I adored you. The money is not important, my sons love is all I want. My son told me he threw out the letter I wrote him after my surgery, when I tried re-connecting with him. From an early age, I knew that you were going to do great things. I now sing it to your little cousins. I wanted you to feel secure. It is not even half a life without you. The word estrangement was never in my vocabulary before it happened to me seven years ago. So now,I am putting together a book of letters to my son! Even though you dont care about it, the fact that they took that cheque and cashed it is not morally right. When abandoned or disappointed by other people they may show what on the surface looks like depression, but which on further examination emerges as anger and resentment, loaded with revengeful wishes, rather than real sadness for the loss of a person whom they appreciated." (p. 229) My [Name], It's been a while also long. This creates a significant gap in your knowledge and ability to understand the situation. Elliot, I wish I was reaching out on better terms. I had thought that you and I were close. At any rate, keep writing him even if he never reads your letters, you will at least have gotten things out onto paper. Even though I wrapped myself in a blanket, I still froze and felt the freezing effects of the wind whipping through my bones and at my face as I sat on the bleachers, while you worked up a sweat on the field. Keep a box of tissues handy youll need them! Dear [name], We've had our differences, but you're still my son no matter what. I think this is a very important reminder to anyone who may be in that predicament at the moment. Driving home one day I had an auto accident leaving me with broken bones and head trauma. Youve done well, and I am so very proud of you.